This might be the most real & personal thing I have ever shared before.
Last night I had a breakdown. My thoughts were my own worst enemy.
I have spent YEARS of my life engrossed in the personal work, devouring one personal development book after another, seeking more education and another course, another program..eating it all up. Thinking that through so much education, I could, on some level, erase where I have come from. Heal from it so completely that it would almost be like it didn’t exist and I would then be able to move through the world like a ‘normal person’.
So, when I began to experience the thoughts & feelings of self hate last night, it all crashed down on me. To spend years healing these parts of myself, only to arrive smack dab right where I started. It felt unbearable. It felt like all the work I had been doing was for nothing.
I am here to lay it bare before you. To open deeply up to the wounds that are present for me now. When I first learned how to hate myself, I was 13 years old. I hated my body. I remember setting my alarm to get up early before school so I could work out. Attempting to attain this highly unrealistic ‘perfect body’ At 13 years old. I had braces, glasses and was PAINFULLY shy. I hated everything about my appearance & life. I turned towards self harm for years, in many different forms.
Books & writing were my only reprieve from the feelings I lived in.
I never experienced an adult in my life emulating what self love or self respect looked like. I lived in that prison of hating myself for years. I thought that’s just how it was and that everyone was like this. I didn't know there was another way.
It has taken YEARS of self work to shed these old beliefs. It has actually been years since these old dialogues have surfaced inside me, so long in fact, I thought I had healed them already. I am reminded that healing is not linear. As much as I want it to be. As much as I don’t want to be back here, where I started, I am.
There is no magic cure to erase the place I come from. There is no special book or piece of information that will make it disappear. I may not ever reach the completely idealized version of ‘healed’ that I want to live in. My past will always be with me. It’s the place I come from. Now I turn to yoga, writing, hiking & dance.
I have spent so many years protecting myself by staying closed, not letting people in, not talking about it, pushing away, judging them before they can judge me...and I am here to tell you.. It hurts to stay closed. I have lived in fear that it will hurt more to open. But the truth is, it hurts to open AND it hurts to stay closed.
Babe. Choose the path of: it hurts to open. Choose it so fucking hard. Because living a life in fear of that openness, will only lead to another kind of pain. I am here to share that the pain of opening is WORTH IT. They are both painful experiences, so choose the one that is filled with more treasure. Connection. Open to it.
I am sharing as an advocate of mental health awareness. I am sharing to say that you are not alone. I am sharing because I truly believe that connection is the most important thing we can experience.
If you are looking for a sign to not kill yourself, this is it. Choose life. Choose every messy, beautiful, wild, painful part of it babe.
If you are seeking to heal yourself, please keep trying. Keep showing up.
If you are having thoughts of self harm, I love you. Life can be really harsh & unforgiving. But you are lovable & deserving of love because you exist. (Not because you need to earn it)
My past has given me deep empathy. For all the painful experiences, I have come out with a well of compassion that feels never ending.
If you are still holding onto anger, babe, put it down. Let it go. For you.
Return to love. For you.
If this vulnerable share helps just one person feel less alone, it is worth the risk of exposing my wounds.
I love you. You are not alone. Please reach out to me or someone you trust with your tender & human feels. You don’t have to sit in it alone.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
