I like to be in control.
I like to be right.
I still crave acceptance.
I still have safety mechanisms in place inside me that I haven’t learned how to dismantle yet.
I still want to feel safe more than I want to change some days.
I still don’t let myself cry when I need to some days.
I still hang out in my resistance & get stuck there for days or weeks.
I’ve held onto my illusion of control as a way to feel safe. And there were times it did keep me safe. But not anymore.
I can’t help but be able to see my own shadow clearly right now. I have been feeling these pieces simmering right under the surface, coming closer and closer to being seen. Waiting to break free into more conscious thoughts and conversations with myself. I had a magical weekend that allowed me the space to breathe and be. Just be. With myself, with my partner, with nature, with whatever wanted to come up inside me. And I let myself have that pause. To think. To remember. To release.
These narratives are very much alive in my head. The ideas of right & wrong permeating my thoughts. How could I have this conversation of breaking down “right & wrong” without acknowledging my own desire to “be right”. My own attachment to what that means. I have been thinking about what it means to “be wrong”. I invited myself to write stream-of-consciousness style about it.
Straight from my journal:
“Being wrong = being bad. And being bad = being a bad person. So how could I possibly handle or accept being wrong if that’s what I believe it means? What can I replace with that story & meaning I have been giving it?
Being wrong can = a willingness to look at what is no longer working.
It can mean I grew up with outdated stories for the generation I am now living in.
It can mean that growth is happening.
It can mean there are so many other perspectives that are also valuable and are worth listening to.”
In a strange way, it feels relieving to acknowledge these parts of myself right now. With openness, clarity and non-judgement of my own process and humanness. How can I dismantle conscious and unconscious stories in myself about privilege, racism, punishment systems such as our current prison system, without looking at these pieces in myself? Because this is going to take a LOT of untangling within my own psyche to muck out the shit that has been programmed deep in there.
I am not a bad person because I learned ways to be from a generation that had less access to information than I do now. It is my responsibility to learn & be better than who I was yesterday though. It is my responsibility to do my own work without shaming others along the way. It is my work to break through these stories until I reach the center of truth, over and over and over again if necessary.
And right now, it feels necessary.