I have been afraid for so long. Afraid to use my voice. Afraid to show up in my power. Afraid of other women. Afraid of being “too much”. Afraid of anger; my own & others. I took a step back from writing the past month to sit with myself. To reflect on why I felt I was freezing up inside, why I felt triggered and observe what was coming up inside my body.
The state of the world was triggering up old trauma stories swirling around inside me. Living right beneath my skin. I had just moved out of an emotionally & verbally abusive home, only to be surrounded by the energy of anger & chaos all around me. There was no escaping it. I found myself retreating further & further into myself as the anger grew louder around me. I could not check out on social media as it was blasting with a rage that was burning like wildfire. A rage that is completely justified. This is an anger that I stand with...so why was I feeling so small in the wake of it?
I distilled it down to the messages coming through, such as: ‘Your experience does not matter right now.’ ‘Don’t use your voice, make room for other more important voices.’ ‘Why aren’t you using your voice? Not like that, do it like this specific way I am telling you.’ ‘You are inherently wrong, no matter what you say.’ ‘You should feel guilty & ashamed for the conditioning you were raised in.’
The thing about these messages is they don’t sound new to me. They are echoing the messages I received growing up. Which has pried open wounds I thought I had healed. I do not believe anything is separate. That what we are healing collectively is a mirror for what we are healing individually on some level.
The more I have sat with myself, the more I have come to realize the anger & shameful messages are triggering old family dynamics for me. Anger was something to be feared when I was a child. My home felt unsafe for many years. The anger in the streets turning into riots, felt unsafe in the ways it did growing up. It was unpredictable & could turn violent. I asked myself why I was retreating so deeply inward. In the midst of leaving a chaotic & abusive living situation, I found the world erupted in an anger & chaos of its own. As for the shameful messages I was witnessing: shame breeds more shame.
I was shutting down. An old safety mechanism I fell into growing up. I let myself. I gave myself the time & space to go inward & comfort the parts of me that felt afraid. I returned to nature, I returned to my yoga practice & now I am returning to writing. So many wounds are being re-opened in the midst of all that is unraveling right now. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this.
I believe that the only way out of this is going directly into it. Leaning into the pain, the anger, the fears, the sadness, the hope, all of it. I haven’t known what to say. Feeling that no matter what I say, it would be considered ‘wrong’. Fearing that if I said anything at all, I would be judged. Harshly. Fearing writing anything about my personal experience & being ‘called out’ as insensitive. As the ‘call-out culture’ gains momentum during this time & feels very much like a virtual witch hunt, it kept me in my silence for weeks.
My heart goes out to the people who are experiencing a re-triggering of trauma in their hearts & bodies during this time. This has become a massive opportunity for growth. To rewrite my own stories around anger & that it is safe to LEAN INTO IT! To allow myself to also lean into the anger of others and know I do not have to take it on. That I can listen, be moved by it & honor it for the path it is making. Honoring that it can also be that reflection in my personal life.
We are unraveling wounds that have been alive for too long. Both externally & internally. I cannot help but see the connection happening between the two. I am learning how to find my voice again, through the anger and chaos and fear that I will be judged. I am learning that I can acknowledge my blind spots & feel it is safe to look at them. It doesn’t have to mean I am being attacked for having blind spots. But more that I am being directed to looking at a pain point of unconscious programming. Doesn’t it feel liberating to be able to look at something you once feared to look at in yourself? There is massive power in the accountability of making what was once unconscious conscious. This is what I consider ‘call-in culture’ & would love to cultivate more of this in our online spaces.
We are unraveling. I will no longer be afraid to use my voice.
We are unraveling. I will no longer be afraid of showing up in my power.
We are unraveling. I will look at my fears around trusting women & the sisters in my space.
We are unraveling. I will no longer be afraid of being ‘too much’. My passion is a gift.
We are unraveling. I will no longer be afraid of my own anger.
For I know, I am unraveling with you.