I have always cared too much. Too much about what other people think of me. I care about people’s heart and experiences so deeply, when I start getting close to anyone, I have such a deep desire to understand them. To know their wounds, their brightness and to see the beautiful person that lies underneath the surface.
I’ve cared too much for the lovers who couldn’t love me back. Continuing to love them during times of despair, betrayal and heartbreak. Even through the hurt, my heart still wants to show up in love for them.
I’ve given so openly in my friendships, my generosity a continual source of attracting more Takers than Givers. But the Takers, maybe they used to be Givers. Givers that became so tired by the toll it takes to live in this world that they fell into being an unconscious Taker. And perhaps I have fallen in & out of both of these roles as well.
So, I continue to give & give until I learn how to give to myself first.
As I have been journaling this morning, I have had an immense amount of anger come out. At people. Friends. Lovers. Family. Myself. The way our planet is being treated.
The world is not always an easy place to be in. With the continuous cycles of wounded people creating more wounded people, for only hurt people can hurt people.
My heart feels heavy with the grief of witnessing so much sadness, pain & separation in the world. There is so much hurt we go through just to be alive.
The past two years have been some of the most challenging years I have experienced. My Saturn Return. It truly shook everything up inside me. I am still integrating lessons from this tumultuous time.
I have cared so deeply for so many people in my life. People that end up leaving in one way or another. I know so many of us that are learning to heal wounds left by people. Well-meaning people who were also hurting.
I can’t help but wonder, does anyone really know how to stay?
Perhaps this is where the practice of non-attachment comes in. To not open yourself enough to get attached to anyone. Which to me sounds like, not opening yourself to real connection. To not open yourself up to feel the amazingness of letting another person in. To the fullness it can bring to your life.
Today I have reached a point of feeling so tired of it all. Tired of caring so f*cking much. Tired of the cycles of hurt I see being played out. Tired of opening my heart again & again. Tired of the half-hearted friendships.
I love the part of me that wants to understand & find the silver lining in all of it. That has become a muscle I have grown over time. But today, I just have to hang up my hat & take some real time to rest away from it all. To let myself feel the sadness & hurt & separation that’s been simmering under the surface. I hope to continue coming back more whole.
Which takes being willing to feel it all. Even the loss of hope from time to time.
Taking time to rest is so necessary for our healing.
I’m giving myself permission to really rest & let myself experience whatever wants to come up.
It’s reset time lovelies.