I have both loved and hated you in equal measure. The truth is, I’m afraid of you. You scare me. I never know what will be on the other side of the storms you bring into my life. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Mostly because you seem to be sweeping the world with such great intensity, I can’t help but acknowledge your presence. Your ever-shifting shape. I don’t want to spend my life being afraid of you, Change. You are the constant in my life. How is it that I have not cultivated a healthier relationship with you yet?
I can reflect on my life and see where I have resisted your magic and medicine. I can see how those changes were exactly what I needed at the time. And still, I struggle to trust you. When I feel you coming, I hold myself tighter against the winds you bring to blow me open.
I know you come with many gifts for me. Resilience. Adaptability. Flexibility. Acceptance of what is no longer working. Surrendering to a greater plan. I am working on not holding myself so tightly shut against you. Slowly, delicately, I am holding my hand out to hold yours. To learn how to be your friend. How to not be afraid of you & the power you possess. I am learning how to be humbled by you & grateful for the storms you bring. I know that my conditioning has taught me to be afraid of you, Change. That it is not safe to feel so out of control. Please teach me how to embrace you.
I am coming to realize that to truly embrace you, I must also befriend Grief. That to open my heart to you means I must learn how to openly & properly grieve the loss that accompanies your presence. You do not come alone. You are a storm for a reason. For wherever you travel, Grief, Loss & Transformation follow. I feel you are here with me. Asking me to open up to you. To listen.
I am listening now. You are bringing great winds of revolution on your wings. I’m afraid that I’m not ready. But that’s part of your medicine, isn’t it? To know when we are ready enough for you. I do not want to continue to live in fear of what you bring. Which leaves...trusting you. Leaning in. Embracing the ways you come in abruptly, gently, harshly, angrily, sweetly and everything in between. I am learning how to trust you. Please be patient with me, as I have spent the better part of my life wishing you away.
You are inconvenient & kind of an asshole sometimes though, just sayin. So here we are, at the next level of our relationship. Trust. I am leaning in & opening my heart to you. I want to ask you to be gentle with me, to come in gracefully, but I know you have your own plans. I am holding my open hand out to you, please take it & show me the way from here.