I am sharing something extremely vulnerable with you all. This is straight out of my journal entry from yesterday. I had a lot of emotion to move and process and it came out in such a beautiful way, I decided to get brave and share the rawness of my process with you:
Fuck other people’s judgement of me.
I have noticed when I start getting really bright, when I make a decision to really believe in myself and prioritize my own happiness, someone in my life attempts to take me down a notch. I forget for a moment, not to take it personally. That what people say to others is what they say to themselves. A projection of wounds not healed, spilling over onto someone else in their life.
A few weeks ago, I had made a decision to stand in my brightness and devote my time to my gifts. I was feeling sweet and soft and full. Then, someone close to me lashed out at me. With heavy judgements and projections. And in my softness, I took them to heart. Feeling eternally caught between keeping my armor on or choosing to stay in my softness. I am learning how to live in between those spaces. I am even discovering the name of that place.
I am learning to live in the land of: Standing the Fuck Up for Myself. Yes, that is what this in-between place is called. It’s new territory for me as I was never shown what that looked like. Standing up for my softness. Leading with my truth and discarding the high value I had put on others approval. Through this experience of succumbing to others judgement, I have found more solid roots in myself. It took some time and a small tail spin, but I am willing to see where I succumb to my own judgments of myself. It is a very old habit to think that everything is my fault, that I am the shitty/crazy/insecure one, that I am ‘not worth it’. All of these victim rooted stories coming up to be looked at, hated, loved and changed. I have been experiencing a side of me that feels more free, more wild and more expressive than I have ever felt before.
Tapping into that is unweaving those wounded parts of me I have bound unconsciously. I will not change who I am for someone else’s comfort. ‘I will not eat your projections of my character because I know that I am made up of symphonies.’ This is from a poem I wrote many years ago about judgement.
I know what I am made of.
I know that time will also erode all that is not truth.
I know my heart and intentions are pure.
I know that I really fucking care about people, a lot.
I know I am here to inspire and create beauty wherever I go.
I know I am still learning how to stand up for myself and it’s uncomfortable right now.
Judgement is like this big ugly creature that crawls out of the darkness. The darkness that is made from all the unkind thoughts you’ve ever had about yourself. To accept someone else’s judgement of you is to take on the work they are avoiding themselves.
It is a choice. It is always a choice. I have pretty consistently eaten the judgements made of me. Primarily by people very close to me. The closeness clouding my ability to step back and ask if this is true for me. I have become so full and sick on what is not mine to carry. Today I am making a different choice. To say NO! To draw the line in the sand when it comes to being treated as ‘less than’. I value myself more than I used to.
So, when this judgement creature comes crawling up to me, hungry for my light, gnashing its teeth at me… I will kindly point out the way to a more nourishing food source and insist it return to where it came from. Return back to sender. I am learning to love and value myself enough to say, ‘Fuck someone else’s judgements of me. Those are not mine.’
I understand there is a space for accountability and acceptance of what is mine and what is true for me. And for those, I leave seats open next to me. Those are sweet creatures I will let nuzzle me and bite my hand when need be. But this judgement is something different. This is the kind that has been steeped in fear and the smell of it’s decaying form is being pushed onto you, by the person who has done the steeping.
I made a decision to commit myself to my art, to my yoga and to being a better person than I was yesterday. I acknowledge this as a step in my journey. The part where I accidentally stepped in some dog shit (someone else’s opinion of me) and spent the next few blocks sliding my feet through the grass to get the smell off me. Yeah, that’s what this chapter feels like.
I will not let this dampen my energy for even one more day. It has taken too much of my energy, time and hurt feelings, but I am grateful to have arrived in a place of deeper understanding for myself.
To give myself permission to stand my ground. To know that I am WORTH standing up for and feel that sense of belonging in the world. To feel a deep knowing being stirred inside me that I was always meant to use my voice here. And that the path to owning my voice, my fire & my light will be to walk the road of people who will challenge those pieces of me.
So thank you old friend, for your judgement, because it has led me to know myself more.